Everything is going swimmingly

Having your own pool has many benefits. Floating under the night sky in the mountains watching the stars for a start. Less well advertised is the fact that it provides a near limitless source of water to flush the toilet when ASS-AT do not keep their side of the bargain.

However the Queen of my Heart was not born for carrying water buckets. She is an exotic bloom. Before leaving to spend two weeks in London getting to know the Little Gentleman, my first grandson Seth, urgent action was needed. Within two days and with the assistance of my old friend Hamza, we had got a 3 ton plastic (it’s not single use. Relax!) storage tank delivered from Antalya, the ferforje had measured up, made and installed a platform and the plumber had connected it all up. #getitdone #onlyinturkey

Having left my Princess at Departures entrance I am riding the easyjet vapour stream with a clear conscience. No more thought of water.

Let’s talk about swimming.

On 3rd October we are hoping to run the 10th consecutive Mouse Island Swim. Permission may depend on how the virus progresses locally and whether we can convince the authorities that we can deliver a safe event.

In expectation of a positive response we have a few resident swimmers in training. Let me introduce you to the cast

Madame Butterfly is an Izmirli girl. In the water she has the speed and precision of a guided missile. However, in the turbulent vapours over terra firm her path is as erratic flight as a butterfly that has crawled out of  Martini shaker. No three friends of La Butterfly can agree on her movements

“I heard she is going back to Cyprus”

“No! Istanbul”

“She told me Izmir”

“I am sure she is planning to stay in Islamlar.”

She is priceless.

Then we have Three Feathers. Baptised as Colin he has renounced his birth name. Two mating doves alighted on his sleeping roll at a Burning Man Festival back in the day. When they flew off they left three feathers forming the Sioux greeting symbol. He had found his destiny.

A gifted healer, Three Feathers can reset you by just by holding the damaged part. (NB he does not treat erectile dysfunction). In retirement he gives his services for nothing to the sick, having amassed a fortune consulting with companies on corporate integrity (Don’t get sued, get Siouxed).  He lives with his partner, Makes Good Jams, in the mountains.

‘Struth is our swim champion. Faster than a hammerhead you risk getting churned in her wake. ‘Struth is also a WAG (see below)

The WAGS are Kalkan’s social elite. Partners of Turkish men, unlike bubble residents, WAGS have skin in the game; they speak the lingo, work, have kids in school, pay taxes.

They also have several university degrees. Each. The main purpose of these is to ensure they come first at Kalkan’s weekly quiz night.

WAGS also hang together. The Teamsters have nothing on them. Offend one and you offend all. Lastly, you should always wait to be spoken to before addressing a Kalkan WAG. It is the way of royalty everywhere.

We have two WAGS traing for the swim under condition of anonymity.

The world’s nicest South Africans Mr and Mrs Peeky Nicey-Nice also plan to participate. Peeky is so nice he holds back and lets everbody finish in front of him. How nice is that!

Oh and I will be there. İt will be my tenth swim since Shock Jock Nurse J Ratchet and I first swam it. We raised money for a new prosthetic limb for a young newly wed in 2011.

This year we plan to swim to raise money for the local school and to assist Turkish search and rescue organisation AKUT. Over the nine swims to date we have raised approximately 420,000 Turkish Lira (at todays values) for good causes. Our tenth will see us over the half million mark.

If you want to join us get in touch for details.

Up with the mask and on with show. Aux alms citoyens!

Have a nice week