The Last Post

Happy New Year from me, the cat, the fish and the Special at Leto Towers. As we are all confined to our estates for three full days, no excuse for not giving plenty of thought to that New Year Resolution. Some thoughts from me

1 Learn Turkish

In theory an excellent resolution. You live in Turkey. Learn Turkish

BUT English is a very different language from Turkish. English consists of words. We arrange these nicely to form sentences. Example “Hello. That’s a nice blouse you are wearing. Would you like to be my special friend?”

All very easy.

Whereas in Turkish you bolt multiple endings onto a base word to form never ending word strings. So Muvaffak means success. And from this we can construct Muvaffakiyetsizleştiricileştiriveremeyebileceklerimizdenmişsinizcesine to express the sentiment  “You are talking as if you were one of those we can not easily turn into a maker of unsuccessful ones”.

Even if you flatten that learning curve, it is still going to be steep

2  Give up drinking

In theory another good idea. The Turkish government recommends that you drink no alcohol ever. The UK health lobby now recommends that men and women alike consume only one eggcupful per week and leave 6 days between episodes.

However, at the end of every day the sun will go down. On the Mediterranean coast, rosy fingered dusk (as Homer called it) can be relied on to fall in spectacular style

As the sky splinters into a slow, spectacular burst of liquid fire, twist the top on the tonic bottle releasing a satisfying hiss. Swirl a measure into two fingers of gin over ice. Finish with a slice of lime. Take the first sip and watch the light show

Follow this simple formula and no matter what sort of bullshit day you have had, you will achieve closure with a moment of pure optimistic joy. Life is Good

No joy there then

3  Give up smoking.

To buy cigarettes now, you have to wear a full hazmat suit and part with £20. In return for this a specially trained assistant will unlock a gunmetal cupboard and slide a black pack across the counter bearing the legend “WARNING. Cigarettes will kill you. Not today but slowly and painfully on the day you are due to collect your first pension payment”.

So you gave it up years ago. No dice there. What’s next?

4  Have more sex

Making the beast with two humps is an activity conveying numerous physical and emotional benefits.

But as the poet Philip Larkin, who died in 1985, wrote

Sexual intercourse began

In nineteen sixty three

(Which was rather late for me)

And it is probably too late for you too. So finally

5  Reduce time spent on Facebook and social media

Academic research has demonstrated that those who use Facebook are significantly more unhappy than those who do not.

Facebook’s world is like that of Voltaire’s character, Pangloss, where “all is for the best in this best of all possible worlds”.

Facebook is endless posts from people wanting to show that their party had the best food, best drink, most fun: endless posts of  endless parties to which YOU WERE NOT INVİTED. On Facebook there is no divorce or rancorous relationships just love struck couples celebrating 40 years of life’s blessed journey with their soulmate/beautiful boy/love bunny. Not a thought for those of us whose triumphs in the affective domain have been, well.. more nuanced.

But in the Time of Corona all those posts have disappeared. They have been replaced by ones asking “Anybody know where you can buy parsnips in Fethiye?” or seeking guidance on latest Corona regulations.

So now is the time to curb your addiction. Act now before the virus is tamed and the curtain is lifted on the biggest party the world has known. A party TO WHICH YOU WILL NOT BE INVITED.

So unfriend Kalkan Laundry and take up a new hobby. If you will take my advice though, avoid ones that involve pine needles.

I will be back in a few weeks to let you know how things are going with my book writing resolution.

With love and thanks for reading

An Englishman Abroad